What a bust talking with Tobi had been. I should’ve known he’d never be able to understand what I was feeling—how could he? He’d only ever been remotely interested in one girl; Colette was now his wife and the mother of his twins. I doubted the guy could even fathom romantic interest in anyone else.
Memaw might be able to understand. She’d been married to a guy before marrying Granny. But she was an ocean and several timezones away, not to mention she was my grandmother. I didn’t really want to talk to her about my romance issues.
All I could think to do was talk to Felix. My stressing was a moot point if he didn’t want to be in a relationship at all. If all he wanted was to fool around, I thought it would be downright easy to tell him thanks but no thanks. But if he wanted more…then I was still stuck.
I left practice to find him waiting exactly where he usually did, a smile on his face that would make me want to kiss the hell out of him if I even knew up from down anymore.
“Hey, can we talk?”
The redhead frowned slightly, looking at me apprehensively. “You’re still upset about the party, aren’t you?”
I shook my head and started walking, expecting him to keep up. “No.” I wanted to be far enough away from the pitch that none of my teammates could eavesdrop.
I sat down on a bench and gestured for him to do the same. “Look, Felix, I’ll be honest. I like you. But you know I have a girlfriend, and, besides that, I don’t even know what it is you want from me.”
A hint of pink tinged the other boy’s cheeks. “I thought I made myself pretty clear.”
The ghost of a smile curved my lips. “I know that. But is that it? Or are you looking for a relationship here?” After so long being confused and conflicted, it felt good to ask bluntly for an answer.
Felix leaned closer to me. “Oh, yes. I’d like for us to date, Logan.”
Just like that, my problem remained unsolved. “I don’t know what to do, Felix,” I admitted quietly. “I like you—I really do—and I’d like to see where this could go, but I lo—like Zoe a lot, too. I know I’m an indecisive asshole.”
He shook his head. “I’d think you were an asshole if you weren’t feeling like this. Maybe you could just date us both?”
“I told you—“
“I never said don’t tell her.”
I stared at him, nonplussed. Surely he wasn’t suggesting…?
“You should tell her where you’re at. Maybe she’ll be okay with sharing.”
I doubted it, but the idea was so tempting. To be with both of them, to not have to choose…
“I…guess that’s a possibility.”
I held Zoe against my side and stared into the flames of the bonfire. She felt right and perfect tucked into me. I could almost pretend that this was months ago, long before I ever met Felix, before my world devolved into chaos. Yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that there ought to be someone else on my other side.
Zoe let out a soft, contented sound. “I love it out here. Did you have to make a blood pact to get your parents to let you come out tonight?”
“Close.” This was my last chance. If I wasn’t home by eleven, I could fully expect a house arrest ankle monitor in my immediate future.
“I can’t believe they grounded you for hanging out with Tobi.”
Inwardly, I winced at the lie, but I couldn’t very well have told her that I’d gotten grounded for going to a college party and staying too long with a boy who I’d also kissed. “It was just the last straw.”
“It’s almost ten,” she said with a sigh. “We need to leave soon.”
“Yeah.” Now or never, Thoreau. Reluctantly, I pulled away from her. “Zoe, I need to talk to you about something, and I want you to keep an open mind, alright?”
A deep frown creased her face. “What’s wrong, Logan?”
I took her hand and guided her over to a stone bench. “There are some things that have been going on—some things I’ve just found out about myself.”
Worry filled her eyes. “Are you okay? You’re not sick are you?”
I shook my head. My stomach was full of writhing snakes; I wasn’t sure I had the balls to finish this conversation. Somehow, I forced myself to keep talking. “Do you remember the first day I met my friend, Felix? You came over, and I told you about him. You joked that I sounded like I had a crush on him.”
Confusion quickly replaced her concern. “Sorta. If you try to tell me you’re gay, no power on this earth will make me believe you, Logan Thoreau.”
That almost made me laugh. I bit back a smile. “No, I’m not saying that.” I exhaled a deep breath. “But, actually, I’m bisexual. I…I have feelings for Felix.”
“But I haven’t stopped having feelings for you,” I rushed to add. God, I was fucking this up. “I like both of you.”
Zoe got up and put her hands on her hips. “What are you saying, Logan? What are you actually saying?”
I swallowed, throat suddenly gone bone dry. “With your permission, I’d like to start seeing the both of you.” There, I said it. I’d practiced a whole speech, but this was the only sentence that had actually made it past my lips tonight.
“You what?” Her eyes lit up with anger. “You want my permission to cheat on me!?”
I shot to my feet. “No! It wouldn’t be cheating.”
“Fuck you, Logan! You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. If you’re my boyfriend, you’re my boyfriend. Felix can go get his own. I thought you—I thought you might actually—“
“Zoe,” I entreated pleadingly. “I don’t feel anything less for you than I did the night I gave you that necklace. That’s why I had to be honest with you. Please, just understand.”
“Maybe you do, but obviously you don’t feel enough for me if you want him, too.” Her voice was thick, like she was on the verge of tears.
She swiped at her eyes. “You can be with me or you can be with him. You can’t have it both ways, even if you go that way.”
My eyes started to burn. My chest ached. “Fine,” I responded tightly. It wasn’t much of a choice at all now, I realized. I knew that Zoe and I would never be the same now, whether I stayed with her or not. More than that, being with Felix was something I needed. I needed to know the other half of myself. Yeah; in the end, it really wasn’t a choice anymore.